I’m currently revising my list of people I can sleep with should they give me a booty call.

My better ninety-percent was kind enough to point out almost all of the people on my list are dead.

She read me my list:

Grace Kelly
Heddy Lamar
Cary Grant
Deborah Kerr
Irene Dunne
Lauren Bacall (still with us)
Dorothy Malone (see her in the bookstore in: The Big Sleep. Ask no more questions)

***

Since dead people stand no chance of calling, I decided to try some living people.

Then decided more people more chances. Just about zero chance, but better than dead.

I must now mention my theory: Once beauty gets to a certain point, it's a tie.

No need to muss and fuss about brunette vs blonde, petite vs tall... perfection is perfection is proportion.

Just a theory.

I love women.

Artists, try as they might, struggle to capture the beauty of the female form.

The best only touch on it.

They spend their lives trying to achieve something that is not achievable...

It's all subjective.

What would one paint for all eternity to remember?

The frowning Mona Lisa?

I think not, but he happened to be a genius in many ways.

Here is my new list.

I'll change it often and at my leisure.

Diane Lane
George Clooney
Tina Fey
Brad Pitt
Marisa Tomei
Keira Knightley
Emma Watson (Maybe she digs older boring guys)
Farrah (if you were my age (45), you’d understand)
Gabrielle Anwar (the name alone is enough)
Gina Gershon
Heather Locklear
Holly Hunter
Jada Pinckett Smith (with permission of Will)
Jane March
Kate Hudson
Laura Linney
Joan Allen
Sophie Marceau
Madchen Amuck (she must be good looking)
Jodie Foster (look at her body of work)
Meg Tilly
Megan Fox
All D’ Abo women.
Mia Sara (pre-boob job)
Nicole Eggert (pre same job)
Minnie Driver (I’m too short for her, but talented and fun)
Naomi Watts
Padma Lakshmi
Patsy Kensit
Phoebe Cates (are you kidding me?)
Rachel Hunter
Rachel Leigh Cook
Rosanna Arquette
Stacey Kiebler (I’m too short and too boring)
Tanya Roberts
Teri Hatcher
Winona Ryder
Depp
Jennifer Anniston
Shakira
Anne Hathaway
Selma Blair
Selma Hayek
Liz Hurley
Christina Ricci
Angie Harmon
Anna Farris
Annabelle Sciorra
Ashley Judd
Britt Eckland
Clair Forlani
Elisabeth Shue
Eliza Dushku (she was here and didn't call, go figure?)
Emanualle Beart
Emanualle Seignor

These are people I have permission to date and/or sleep with. I will continue to make this list larger to increase my chances from zero to almost zero.

Being slightly overweight, funny (she says annoying), 45 years old (I say wise, she says “know it all”) and not very good in bed… what a catch.

But hey, on the bright side, almost everyone on my old list was dead and they can’t call.

So I’ve improved my odds!

From zero to zero.

j