Not many people left from the 19th Century.  None from the 18th.  Researchers noting this trend have today claimed TIME as being the greatest cause of death, surpassing natural causes.  

In their study researchers state that Time may not be on our side.  It continues to pass unabated and without concern for life.  Creams are being used to combat Time to no avail.  Injections hold promise as well a fountain they’re still looking for.

Old people are warned that their Time may be coming as it waits for no one and disregards our pleas.  Oddly, time can be up any time.

Liddy, she’s 104, has never been on a treadmill, hates vitamins, likes brandy, wine, bacon, salt, pepper, disdains workout videos and claims “you wouldn’t catch me dead in a gym, I like sex, but not gyms”.  How she made it to 104 is a quandary for researchers, who according to all our new studies and math should have died about 80 years ago.

They attempted to apply age-defying cream, but she still looked 104.  She agreed to try a vitamin drink but spit it out and poured a brandy.  Telling the researchers they were “fucking pathetic, if I drank this vita shit I’d have wanted to die years ago…make me some bacon, you skinny prick”.

Etta Cornblatt, age unknown, credits her long life to luck or lack there of.  She bemoaned her inability to engage in sex for the last 40 years or so and said that she really didn’t have any reason to be here and wouldn’t mind ending this life if somebody would give her a hand.

But the only time she can get an orderly to “help her” he’s pumping her stomach or cutting her down from the ceiling.  She blames the orderly for making her live this long.  We spoke to the orderly who says “she’s one crazy broad, I’m cutting her down from the ceiling and she grabbing my crotch”.  We stopped questioning the orderly.

Clyde Bunker, 101, claims to be able to get an erection if he takes a bottle of Viagra and wants a prostitute sent immediately.  When questioned about time he said “I got time, right now, get me a woman or shut up and bend over”.  

In any case, these elderly people gave good solid input and the fact that Time had passed for them and not killed them yet caused much concern.  Since none of these people had ever been in a gym. They had, however, been in wars.  So wars are being looked at as a cause of their longevity.

None had ever taken a vitamin, they do however like painkillers and hallucinogens and Viagra and booze and pot when they can get it.  Oh, and bacon.

During the study one of the doctors died, he was 42, he was on a treadmill and had just taken his vitamin and had never smoked, had bacon or meat or booze or drugs or anything deemed bad.  

It was determined by the others that it was not possible for him to be dead.  So they agreed to wait 33 years to proclaim him dead so as to not screw up the averages.

As of this writing, the doctors have moved on to study why they’re not happy and are considering suicide.

Time, it appears, does not spread itself evenly.  Some have had enough of it before Time has had enough of them…they’re working on it…in a lab/beach, filled with drugs and booze and sex and stuff…thoughts of suicide have waned, Time passes more calmly there.

The words of the elderly make sense…