Obama has Herculean tasks ahead of him and I thought, apparently erroneously, that his problems were mostly caused by his shit-for-brains predecessor. Now, after listening to Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck, I'm not so sure. Maybe they're right.  Maybe the mess that we're in is 100% the fault of Barack Hussien Obama.  Maybe right wing conservatism is the way to go.

So I've decided to at least explore the possibility of dropping my liberal views and switching over to the "dark side." 

However, there are some things that I need to learn about conservatism, particularly about conservative rhetoric, so I'm hoping that some of my right wing pals on OS, Facebook, Twitter, as well as real life, can help me with this complex transition.

Health Care

Okay, so I have a comprehensive and affordable health care plan. The problem is that others, many of whom work just as hard or harder than I do, are not so fortunate. So here's my question;  How do I take joy in the fact that if I get sick I'm covered, and ignore the needs of my uninsured neighbors, friends and relatives?

I need to get the, "I have insurance, so fuck you, you lazy piece of shit, illegal immigrant, welfare cheating sloth" mentality firmly implanted in my brain.  Could someone please help me out with that?

Obama's A Socialist

By the way, while you're at it, could you also explain to me how lining the pockets of both drug companies and insurance companies makes Obama a socialist.  I know that "Obama is a Marxist/socialist," is an important talking point, so I just need to know how to explain away his consistently pro-business, non-Marxist policies.  Shouldn't be a problem though, right?

Afghanistan and Iraq

With over 4,000 of our brave men and women dead, and tens of thousands more injured, and no end in sight, I need something to cling to. Throw me a frickin' bone here. Convince me that these wars have kept us safe, and that it isn't all about oil and gas and/or Bush's need to "one-up" his daddy. 

Teach me how to believe that Mr. and Mrs. Smith's son or daughter or husband or wife died for a good cause, because right now I'm not feeling it, and if I can't feel it, I can't deal it.

Abortion

This is a tough one.  If we are truly supposed to believe that abortion is murder, how can we justify any exceptions? If the baby was conceived during a rape, it's suddenly okay to murder him/her?

I've never heard a good explanation as to why aborting the "rape baby" isn't murder, but aborting a baby that was conceived during consensual sex is murder. I look forward to hearing possible answers for this inconsistency because I'll be damned if I can come up with one on my own. (Maybe I'm stupid after all.)

Gay Marriage

Okay, our conservative beliefs are firmly rooted in the idea that the government needs to stay out of our private lives, right?  So why don't they stay out of Adam and Steve's life too? 

Are we really worried about the sanctity of marriage?  How about the sanctity of adultery?  Or the sanctity of spousal abuse?  Or the sanctity of divorce? Or the sanctity of spending the rent money at the racetrack?  

When I'm at a party, and someone talks about gay marriage, I need to be comfortable in expressing my views as to why Adam and Steve shouldn't get the same rights that Mrs. Fallihee and I have. 

Oh, and by the way, don't tell me how gay marriage will lead to "man/dog" or "man/coffee maker" marriages.  I already tried that one, and was informed that, in the end, marriage is a legal contract and dogs and coffee makers can't sign legal contracts. (By the way, I could have used a snappy comeback for that one.)

This is the kind of non-stop barrage that I fear I'll be up against, so I'd appreciate it if you could provide me with both intellectual arguments, and witty retorts.

Voting Against My Own Best Interests

This argument might be the hardest one of all for me to overcome.  Take Glenn Beck for example.  He makes in the neighborhood of $22,000,000.00 per year, or roughly 440 times the national average, yet he presents himself as a populist, a regular guy, a guy just like you and me, yet (this is the best part) he gets us to vote for his best interests and ignore our own... every time. 

In fact, most of my conservative friends vote against their own best interests and throw their support behind Beck and Hannity's needs.  That has always blown my mind.

Wait, I know, does it have something to do with how a rising tide raises all boats? (See, you can teach an old dog new tricks).

Dependency On Foreign Oil

Drill baby drill!  I'm down with that one. If we want to quit buying oil from countries that hate us, like Saudi Arabia, we need to further develop our own resources. I get that.

In the meantime though, we can drive more fuel efficient cars, which will result in an immediate decrease in foreigh oil consumption.  So, when Hannity mocks the hybrid crowd as tree-hugging liberals, he must know something that I don't know.  What exactly is that?

(Mrs. Fallihee and I just bought a Prius, but we still have a '95 Cadillac that I will use for tea parties and anti-Obama rallies.)

Summary

I'm excited about converting to conservatism and developing my new, "It's all about me, so fuck you" attitude. At first I felt a little guilty, but now it's kind of fun.

Change happens slowly though.  Yesterday I almost handed a homeless guy a buck, until I caught myself and scolded him for not having a job. (By the way, if you know anyone who wants to hire an incoherent, schizophrenic alcoholic, with rotten teeth and smelly-ass clothes, I know a guy.)

If I find myself feeling compassion for someone less fortunate than myself, please cut me some slack. 

If I find myself frustrated about the disastrous G.W. Bush years, please remind me, gently, that all of our nation's problems are the fault of Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama.

Trying to understand and embrace some of the conservative rhetoric makes me feel stupid and unfeeling, and I know that I'm neither, so if you're willing to teach, I'm willing to learn. 

See you at the next tea party!

My Response to Roger (I didn't ask permission to put other responses on here):

I loved it!

Dependency On Foreign Oil: We are hypocrites. We don't want to destroy our own environment, but we'll gladly destroy others. Gluttons R Us.

Voting Against My Own Best Interests: Easily herded sheep. The TV bloated heads know this. Really embarrassing: Stupid Gluttons R Us.

Gay Marriage: Why should we care? Because the bloviated bovines spewing noxious fumes from their faces tell us we should care... Thank you religious doofi'.

Abortion: Thank you religious zealots for not allowing birth control so infants can die horrible deaths once outside the womb... it's all good, unless you think about it.

Afghanistan and Iraq: At least come clean and tell us the real reason we're there. We're not known for giving a shit about "liberating" the downtrodden unless there's oil there.

Obama's a Socialist: No problem Obama, if getting a meaningful national healthcare reform makes you a socialist, count me in. Once again the sheep vote against their own best interests. Way to go!

Can I please be excused from humanity?

I'm embarrassed to be the same species.