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THE SODIFICATION OF CELL
Poor Cell was minding his own business, as it was Cell’s business to mind, when the Middle-Sodifier informed him that he was no longer interested in sodifying him. Taking Cell very far aback. Rejected, Cell stupefied. Plodding out the door, splashing face-first into the unemployment pool. Cell was distraught. “Why didn’t the Mid-Cell want to sodify me anymore? Where will I get paper?” Paper is the measure of worth in Cell’s world. Without paper one is deemed unworthy and shunned. Even if the stream of paper is, but a babbling brook, it’s the stream that counts. Cell stumbled along, shoulders slumped. His Host had regurgitated him. “Why? No, not that. Surely not that.” They had asked his opinion yesterday. “Caught off guard he answered honestly. Surely not that.” But, here he was, sliding his key in the door, sent home in shame. Quickly sliding in, away from the judging eyes. Soon the whispers would start. “Did you hear about Cell? He has no Host?” “No.” “No paper coming in.” “Whatever will he do? He needs to be sodified.” As do all Cells, for this is the way it works. They all know this is “just the way it is”. This they are told from division. “Oh goodness me” Cried Cell “I hope I don’t divide. I have no paper stream. This would be a bad day to divide.” “Just the way it is. Nothing can be done. The Hosts, the “Sodifiers of All Things” declare: “This is the way it has been since time immemorial.” Just play nice, tell them what they want to hear and paper will continue to flow.” This is the mantra, this is law carved in the hardest stone. “All Cells work for the greater good. An individual Cell is nothing, millions of Cells can make greatness!” “Great for who?” Pleaded Cell “Good things come to those who wait.” (Another gem) Really? 6 billions Cells are waiting. Death is the only thing certain to come… if you wait. I suspect the Super-Sodifiers made that little saying up as just one more nail in the coffin of any Cell dreaming to accomplish something other than paper streaming during their life. Now, in the wee hours, Cell stared vacant at the single candle. Pondering his future, regretting his past. He vowed to march on, to search for a new Host to sodify him on the morrow. It was about then he started to fade off. Half in, half out. Every day for the past 9 years Cell had dutifully bent over to be sodified. All for the want of paper to increase his worth, but his worth hadn’t increased. “Paper? This is how I am judged?” “I truly don’t find sodification all that pleasant. And wait, the Super-Sodifiers spend all their time gallivanting about, because they have horded massive amounts of paper. They’re the only one’s not being sodified, except the un-sodified. The best I could hope for is to move above another Cell so I could sodify them.” “But, I’d still be getting sodified. Hmm, not really the solution.” “And why are the Super-Sodifiers so grand? They don’t do anything but horde paper? That doesn’t seem so grand. With billions of Cells being sodified every day hasn’t one asked “why?” “For paper, you must have a paper stream for worth.” “Ahem, pardon me, but I’d rather just have a huge horde of my own paper. I don’t even want to sodify anyone. Just leave me to myself.” Yikes, Cell startles back to what’s left of reality. The Twin Suns are up. Time for Cell to seek out a Host, Surely someone will sodify him! All day, other Cells look down at Cell and exact their toll. The wee hours returned. As Cell faded-off the questions haunted him. All the inane questions asked by smug Cells. Had Cell answered correctly? He did his best not to be honest and give no more information than necessary to these smug Cells, that had they had noses would’ve looked down them. All those questions add up to nothing. Nothing about Cell, his dreams, what HE really wants. All he wants is a Host and paper; that’s what they all think, because that’s what they all think. Good things come to those who wait? Through the haze his teachings come to him. All the Super-Sodifiers from ages past, the one’s that got all the good things are famed for not waiting. Not the Super-Sodifiers today that mostly guard their paper out of petty jealousy. But the one’s that set their mind to obtaining “good things and paper”… they were “doers”. So why all this waiting? Is this some deep reference to death? Does someone know there are good things in death? What good things? And why can’t I have some good things now? Are there not enough good things to go around? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. “Argh.” Cell instinctively reaches for the phone that has just signaled the start of another day for Cell. He’ll have to plod out into the gelatinous goo that is his world. More vacuous questions will be asked… Apprehensively grabbing the phone, “Hello?” He nods, smiles, happiness returns… For today Cell has a new Host that wants to begin sodifying him on the ‘morrow! Glee, pure glee… The paper stream returns. A little more paper than before, sheer joy. His worth is back! Let the toiling begin! What a strange world Cell inhabits. Thank God we’re here… GET OFF MY FUCKING PLANET It came in a dream. It was in the Middle East. There were many Insane people involved. There I stood, screaming this. I awoke pleasantly refreshed. I hoped they were being removed from my planet…well, as you know I’m not from here. But I am stuck here and want them gone. I want them to stop wasting oxygen. I want them to hop out of the circle of life. The trouble is, this should not be a pleasant dream and yet it is. Reality searches for Definition. These are unworthy adversaries, their absence of logic make Hitler understandable. At least he had the cajones to stand up and say…I’m a fucking lunatic, come and get me! Isolationism comes to mind. We could just flip the world the bird and fuck’m. We can survive. Not the same, but we could. Unfortunately the rest of the world would keep coming at us, the Insane would multiply and blame for their lot would turn to anger and they would strike us. So this will not work, we have to continue to kill. We have to continue the absurd. Make no mistake, this war will or should not ever end. I’m relatively appalled at the lack of backbone from the rest of the world. Sure, we wallowed in apathy for a long time. But we’re in it now. They should stand and rejoice. We’re saving their asses…again. We save a lot of asses and get mostly shit in return. This is not right. We re-build our conquered foes. Alexander was a pussy. And yet he is thought great. His weeping came from his lack of understanding that there are always more worlds to conquer. I would like to suggest all these anthrax letter sending fuckheads become pen pals. I’d like to have a beer with Tony Blair. He is not sitting on his hands and the Brit’s seem to be with us. This makes sense, since we are right, it’s absurd what we’re doing is right. But it is. I’d like to have beer with GW too. I didn’t vote for either candidate, I wasn’t sure about them. But, GW is sucking it up and taking action. And action is necessary. I have a few Canadian friends. I give them shit about owing us; I mean WE are their military so they don’t have to spend billions on their own. These friends are good bunch, they like America. They get it, they also give me shit. It’s a good thing. I wouldn’t mind going to Canada, sounds like fun. It’s funny, I see the world shrinking. I have friends in Greece, Canada, CA, WI, IL, SC, all over the fucking world. Very strange for a small town boy. By the way I hope to get to meet face to face, all of you…but, especially my Greek friend, she can really write. She has touched me. Keep in mind I don’t know shit about writing, but I know when I’m touched. Best of luck, I plan on helping as many as possible if I get some help…you are definitely on my list. Oh and my Canadian friends, you have been especially kind… There is good in the world, if you look for it. And we shouldn’t have to. Also, thanks for the feedback folks, you are blowing me away. I just sat down and decided to write. I am glad to have touched you, as you may be the only one’s to be touched by this. I’ve encountered many writers; some need to put out a certain amount of pages a day, some ponder, some just write. Since I usually just listen, I’ll say here and now. I think most writing is bullshit. Pages per day. But you need to find your voice, so keep writing, if you must. Must being imperative…I do not write for money. I think money will follow if you have something to say and get lucky. If you write for money, chances are you put out shit. You still may make money, I’ve read and watched a lot of shit. I write this shit from the heart, from the soul. I know it’s shit, but too many people have told me I cannot do it and will not make it. Now my words are blowing fellow writers away. I think these words will make it and thusly I will. I do know most of us will never make it. The truth is most of us don’t have anything to say. Or at least an original voice, we don’t lay ourselves open…we write the next this or that. The world can be changed. I know this. Quit telling me I can’t. If a fucking lunatic can, I can. Even if it’s just making Sane people smile and Insane people kick the sand. If we all strive for this triviality, what could happen? Be the best Paul Holden you can be, stop all this deep shit, this is why your depressed. You can’t change the world…I’ve heard this too often and it’s not correct. The best Paul Holden is mediocre at best. This type of thinking has gotten us into this shit. Don’t look, just wander through life…this is why Insanity has been allowed to seep from the cracks. Fuck them. I love to read words from the heart, write those. Love it, hate it, just don’t not care about it. It’s like all emotions, make us feel… There are too many people writing. I know of one person that wrote (I won’t call it a story) because she needed a new car. She needed this to get the script purchased quickly for her new car. She’d of been better off sending out the brochure of her new car. It was nothing, I felt nothing. There are too many people writing, me included. I just can’t stop, I wish I could. But then sleep leaves me and depression sets in. So, I continue to arrange words…my mind says it’s necessary, for sleep, etc. My mind has been a major drag… I was and am an idiot. I knew when the time was right, I’d puke out a screenplay and be rich. I was in my early 20’s, even dumber then. My first screenplay got me a couple things fond. The wondrously beautiful woman I asked to type it. And respect from my father. I cherish both. Dad called and said he was wrong, he didn’t know. I know, I still don’t understand. But, at 18 I wanted to switch my major to English and Journalism. Obviously he was right in halting this. The chances for success are minimal. But, he read that first screenplay and well, made the call. I won’t forget that, ever. However, he had no idea I’m haunted by these words and ideas and would spend the next 10 years talking about writing and the next ten doing it…and the next ten probably doing it as well. He is a very grounded person. I am not. He is the most honest person I know. I have no idea why I was born to burden them. It troubles me. My trip began with Milwaukee. I changed myself; I needed to get my foot out of the fun wheel. Drinking was blamed for my demise. I knew this not to be the case. It was just me. Well, the Me I wanted to become. I became too honest. I had a couple bosses that understood me: Do not ask a question if you do not want an answer. I was not given the power to change stuff. I thusly ended up getting fired. The questions always came and answers followed, they were usually not yes. I am not sure how major corporations make money. Maybe they’re just so massive and have so many outlets they make it in spite of themselves. Beats me, it’s beaten me out of many jobs. My resume is a tad longer than War and Peace. Since I left the friendly confines of my families business, the world has bitched slapped me all over the place. Milwaukee was not kind. Milwaukee is OK, but not good, not as good as it could be. People in general are not what they could be. LA was filled with unhappiness, Hollywood needs to flush, San Fran was beautiful, yet flawed. Because we are flawed. The weather is stellar in LA…but that fucking Tuesday, people bitched about losing golf gloves. We are too wrapped up in our own little meaningless worlds. I’m struck by the fact that people will finally know just how fucked up I am. And yet, I don’t feel fucked up. I feel… Reno has been joyous, well, other than the car problem. It’s beautiful, women, mountains and people are nice. This is my new favorite spot, you can disappear or go out. The city is open 24/7…I wander around at all hours. It’s clean, it’s safe…I’m happy here. Happy is relative. Get his fucking picture off the TV. Fuck him. I’m sickened by him, his thoughts piss me off. I will not speak his name, because that’s what he wants. STAY OUT OF LIGHT, IT’S DARK IN THERE I’ve reconnected with a friend. She’s special, it’s a rarity to have the power to touch and be touched. Isn’t it what’s life’s about? And it’s rare. I’ve been fooling around with this word arrangement thing…my emotions must be at skin level. She got to me. This woman, she’s amazing. The world has a chance after all. Her kids are being raised by an amazing woman…I wonder if they’ll know this? I was told to pick up the best looking woman that gets off the plane. I did, she’s from Texas. The ice on the sidewalk was a problem. I grabbed her arm, she flinched. We did get back to work, but it was there from the moment we met. That flinch. The company dinner, hundreds of people, our eyes met often. We were long before “you’ve got mail” society. We wrote daily, trough company email. We couldn’t stop. Everyone received warnings that these emails were being read. I could not stop. It’s good to help people; I hope I helped her out of a shitty marriage. We kept talking, she was broken, I knew this. She was beautiful, I knew this too. The next time I picked her up at the airport, she was there for me. I was touched… We chatted, we spent quality time together. Locked in each other’s arms, romance is not dead. We know more about each other than we could possibly tell. Most people don’t get to experience this intensity. We knew our time was short; it was almost as though we knew we would fuck this up. I don’t buy her blaming herself, look at my track record. But that time was wondrous. Intense. At the restaurant, I wanted her to meet my friends. It’s not her fault, that look in her eyes. When she whispered, “let’s go”. I knew. I knew she was special from the moment we met. From the moment she flinched when I grabbed her arm. She claims shyness, not then, not with me. She was wide open. At the office the sun did the world a favor and showed through her dress…illuminating her body…every curve…what comes after enamored? When beauty inside matches beauty outside, you have something special. I’m pretty sure that her messy divorce got us together. But our mental connection remains to this day. Once we started we could not stop. I wonder if her kids will ever know how special their mother is? We hide so much of ourselves…too bad. I BANK AT A FRUITSTAND Ya' know, the last week or so have been filled with a lot of sorries...I’m sorry it took three trips to fix your car, I’m sorry we’re having trouble with our phones…I’m sorry you can’t bank at the bank you bank at… Hi, how can I help you? Just a deposit and a little cash. No problem. (Kiss of death) I’m sorry, I can make this deposit, but you opened your account in California, so your account is on hold. Excuse me? The manager would have to over-ride. You are the same bank no? Well, yes and no, we don’t use the same system (neither uses the common sense system). Bear in mind all the sorries I’ve been receiving recently. Ah, the manager, she’s cute. She says my account is on hold do to some factors, NSF’s or activity or the fact you opened your account in CA. I have NSF’s? No. Activity factors? The computer computes those. What are they? I don’t know. Can I get any money today? No. You realize I only have 6 bucks due to my car problems. Very sorry. At this point I glance at the little bell that says ring if you're satisfied, I contemplate using the bell for violence. Well, the supermarket will cash your check. But, my bank won’t? No sorry. I inquire as to why I would continue to bank there? Have you had problems before? Only when I try to bank. You see banking here is tantamount to stopping at the fruit stand, to buy gas. I don’t do that. Bottom line…I left with my six bucks and a slight aneurysm. As I drove off into my stupor I passed this sign, “Congested Area, Do Not Discharge Firearms”. I conclude this sign is for the people that bank where I used to not be allowed to bank at. NOT A DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT There are so many things I can’t do a thing about and even more that people tell me I can’t do a thing about. I’ve stopped telling people things. Ever seen the first snow come over the Rockies? Ever seen the first snow come over the Rockies while digging trenches? Ever seen the first snow come over the Rockies while digging trenches and finding out that at 5500 feet it turns to driving rain? Well, that was yesterday, today is a new day. I still can’t do a damn thing about. The fact we worked in this driving rain for 8 hours. The fact that I never thought about quitting, just going home to a hot shower (I knew there would be no woman waiting). I thought about quitting constantly while in the big corporate world. You may have noticed…there are times when: WORDS JUST LEAVE They’re all in the dictionary, just not my head. I realize I’m not writing this, the world is. And the world has got me a bit boggled. Work has run out, my trip is either at an end or a new beginning. Depends on how you look at it. Feedback from fellow writers has been touching. But that’s what writing is, touching. Love it, hate it, but feel something. I think that’s our goal. The Sound of Music seems quite good to me…a feel good movie about escaping the ravages of war. Oh sure, war isn’t in our backyard. But, it’s creating a vacuum for emotions. I think that’s where my words went. They’ll be back, they always come back. Usually haunting my sleep, waking me, forcing me to write them. They’re not often here in the waking hours. They harass in the night, just the way it is. But, they’re not there, not now. They’ll be back. I created this existence, through decisions, conscious or not. It’s lonely, especially without the words. Even if they’re shit, they’re all I’ve got. When they’re gone…well, it’s lonely. As I said, work seems to have ended. I’m 2000 miles from home. I got 3 bucks, some cigarettes, ravioli and a few dreams left. The world, I hope, won’t crush all the dreams. Trying to convince myself I guess. I haven’t said enough about the beauty here, probably because I can’t afford to be wandering around enjoying it. What with 3 bucks and all. The people here are nice, for the most part. We seem to be a broken lot. Transient and searching. Just an observation, but that’s what I do. I feel for me, but I feel more for my compadres sending money to their families. There’s no money to send. I have no family, not in that way. I’m but a burden on my parents. As they struggle to understand what the hell is wrong with me. I hope they find at least a passage in here to make them proud. I hope they understand why I’m doing this. Why I strive to write the best I can and follow this absurd dream. My ego got the best of me today…I sent some words to a newspaper…I added I was free to run the paper if needed. Not sure how that’s gonna go over. Then again, at this point I’m not sure how anything is gonna go over. Six more days with a roof over my head, food supplies seem to be a bit overly under stocked. This is life? I’m thinking I should’ve succumbed to the system, married, climbed the corporate ladder and been forgotten forever, but maybe happier. Happiness is allusive (this should not be a surprise). I think it’s been said…grab it when you can…maybe that’s why some of my happiest moments have been so intense…I don’t catch them often. And they fade daily, will need some new ones soon. Hang on; my straight jacket is giving me some trouble…see. OK, better. There are of course amazing kindnesses in the world, if you can find them. New friends and such, people that don’t care that I have 3 bucks. My parents bailing me out again. The family that loves me, that I miss. I’ve read some wonderful things, I’ve been touched. It is my dream to touch back. I care not if my writing is argued about, let the arguments begin. I hope for emotion. I hope the vacuum releases words soon. I have a sneaking suspicion my words are being held up by the 3 bucks. MELINDA It wasn’t an accident. I forgot nothing; in fact I had to think of something to forget to engineer the second encounter. I disdain lines, any lines. Waiting for bad service is best avoided. I do take solace knowing that those around me are more frustrated than I. And in their pain I find a smidgen of joy. This how I spend time in lines, smirking. Its most gratifying when you arrive at the front of the line only to find a person doing their best to hide their smile from the world. Working well beyond the capabilities given a sea slug. I’ve seen the same face on prisoners of war. But, not this time. Melinda worked to attain her highest level of efficiency. She prided herself on giving the correct change. In fact she went the extra mile. I really didn’t need that last penny, but I was owed it and Melinda was going to get it. The plastic roll was not easy to open, but she was undeterred, her smile never left her face. It was the smile and the eyes that caught me. Her eyes were innocent, her smile real. She was happy to be there, happy to get my penny. A walker sat behind her, I assumed it was hers. Emotions, but which ones…it wasn’t pity, I wouldn’t allow that. She was slow, maybe mentally and physically challenged. But, that wasn’t it. Not at all. Her smile was genuine, she was happy to be there. Suddenly, I was too. Envy, maybe that was it. I envied her innocence. Was there joy in getting that penny, in doing the job? A job that most mortals feel beneath them. Was she actually teaching me something? Did I envy her? Unburdened by society and all its baggage, was she more free than the rest of us? Did happiness come easy for her? Was it all that simple? Glancing down to the other cashiers, I saw faster people. Full functioning people unable to project a smile and continue to do the job. The job, no matter what it is, seems to suck the life from most of us. But, not Melinda. She was happy…I hoped she was even happier than she appeared. Powerless, yes, that was there too. I envied her happiness and felt powerless to help her. And even if I could help her, maybe it would do her harm. If she were truly happy and innocent, why would she want to know all the shit we lucky one’s endure or bring upon ourselves? Was she without doubt and fear? Did our petty jealousies and sexual desires escape her? Did her mind leave her alone to be happy getting that penny? I didn’t know. The case of soda was heavy for her, I took it. It was about all I could do. Maybe all I could do. Maybe, just maybe not everyone needs to be saved? Maybe she could save us? She was nice and smiling and shiny. While we wander about in stupor’s complaining and tarnishing each other. I walked away, effected, I’m not sure why. I turned back and Melinda was busy helping the next customer. I noticed in her line there was less fidgeting. No one muttered obscenities under their breath. Melinda brought a sense of calm and understanding to the line. We cared about Melinda. Why? Maybe because we have little complaint when a fellow human being is doing the best they can. Maybe we do feel a little sorry for Melinda. It’s just as possible Melinda feels sorry for us when she gets the chance. It’s also possible that she’s been granted a type of bliss we’re not allowed to see. Or worse yet, refuse to see or feel… For the great void that represents all I know, Melinda could be in ecstasy over giving the right change. With all the impurities infecting the masses it was her simplicity, innocence and smile I envied. Any idiot can fill pages (these pages are full)…But, few of us live beyond our diapers with the innocence Melinda carries in her eyes. I doubt very much she’s plotting a corporate take over, sexual indiscretion, war or any act involving the screwing of thy fellow man. I have know idea why I wrote these words…well, maybe I do. I forgot gum…I gotta get back in line… THE GRAY AREA Years, I’ve been reading about for years. So have you. The lines are drawn in blood, black and white. Which side is right? My mind spins, it’s hard to tell. Aren’t most of our lives lived in the gray area? Why is this so polarizing? I don’t know…I’ve mulled it over, as my feeble mind does and come up empty. Abortion, so many find it black and white, life or death. Both sides are “pro” something. Get past the marketing and the differences become clear. I really can’t come up with the answer. It’s a personal answer, we should decide for ourselves…but I can’t. I’ve read that we should eliminate Planned Parenthood and quit teaching about diseases and sex and condoms and abortions and, and…I’ve tried file all this away, so I could stop thinking about it…but, I can’t. The argument that having sex is an elective and therefore they shouldn’t be forced to pay for clinics or condoms or medical care…”for this depravity” offends my senses. This simply doesn’t work. I don’t have kids, so I shouldn’t pay for schools for your kids (as they are electives?) and worse yet, you receive tax breaks for having kids. I should be up in arms, right? No, because we live in a society. Taking a gray area stance, I see a myriad of problems facing the aforementioned suggestions. Not the least of which is nature. It’s within us to procreate, to have sex. We think about it, desire it and can’t do a thing about it. To stop dealing with this fact or worse yet ignore it, is not reality based. Reality and history also deal the “pro-life” argument daunting obstacles. Law and the government have tried to curtail human behavior before. Most recently: prohibition and currently our war on drugs. And coming soon: Our war on murder. A brief glance at history also shows the general populace to be against wars, yet they continue. If it were that we could cure our ills with a pen, we would do so. No more death? Sign here… Governments in general have a poor track record of imposing laws that defy nature. Simply put: Laws can’t govern demand. We still drink and we still do drugs and we will still have sex and there will be a demand for abortions. If abortions were outlawed, they would still occur. That’s just reality, nature. I read that sex is an elective. Is it? That life starts at conception? Does it? When complicated matters are over simplified to this extent, its as though the statements are made to save each individual from painfully deciding for themselves. If life begins at conception, wouldn’t it be safe to say that if we desire sex and do not engage in this activity we are denying life? In effect performing abortions? The statement is ludicrous, should never be considered right? I suppose, but then I shouldn’t have to consider those that kill doctors that perform abortions or blow up clinics…but I do, because it’s reality, it happens. Religion is often given as the reason to be against abortion. Religion is a personal choice, it’s taken on faith. Most people I’ve encountered (personally, in books, articles, media) take what they want from religion and disregard the rest. But it’s handy to keep around, to quote absolutes in a situation based in personal faiths and beliefs. Not absolutes. The “pro-life” side has given reasons that will not allow me to side with them. Killing doctors, a non-reality based solution, laws that can’t work (and will bring about an entirely new set of problems), etc. I still can’t decide who’s right or wrong or if there is an answer. But, at this point “pro-life” has been defeated by its own hand. What these two sides refuse to consider is the gray area. That neither may be happy with the solution. Being a male, I know nothing of a woman’s feelings. Her body, pregnancy…nothing. This defect does allow me to step back and try to come to a decision based on the available information. Unfortunately, most of the information is tainted by one side or the other. But, at least I wouldn’t be ashamed to be on one of the sides at this juncture. But I’m only an elective, we all are. We were elected to be born and raised. Some of us are happy about it. Some of us die in wars, some of us die in ghettos, some of us commit suicide, some of us do drugs and drink. Not everybody wants to be saved. Furthermore, not everybody’s thrilled about being here. Lastly, freedom is just that, we will never all agree on everything. With each new law a Freedom is lost. And freedom’s already on the endangered species list. Although it appears as though I’ve chosen sides, consider the reasoning. What I hope to bring about is an outpouring of facts on this subject. So we the people can make a more informed decision, based on all available information. Although, I think the answer lurks in the gray area… Common Sense Disappears: Supervisor Faults Cab Company Kudos to “The Journal” for interjecting humor into Government reporting! Complaint Faults Badger Cab is worthy of The Onion. I love the non-linear and logic retardant style. A Dane County Supervisor files a complaint against Badger Cab for allegedly not coming to get him in a neighborhood most Madisonian’s wouldn’t let their kids drive by at night. The poor Cab guy (I envision Danny De Vito from TAXI) makes the mistake of answering the phone. A misunderstanding ensues and a quasi-story is spewed onto the pages of a newspaper. OK…we got a “take back the streets” rally. But then we got the same people “working very hard to change the reputation of the neighborhood” angered by a reference to drug dealers. What are they taking back the streets from? The way I read it the drug dealers are polite good tippers. What’s the problem? It seems a bit odd to hold a “rally” to “take back the streets” if you want to keep it a secret. Was it a secret rally? And the article clearly states “…which has been plagued by drug dealers and prostitutes”. Plagued, not haunted or occasionally frequented…plagued. In defense of the writer, he seems to realize he has no story and does his best to confuse us by writing the article in a non-sensical format. Hence, we have the “slap in the face to every resident” for an earlier TRUE statement about drug dealers. (the real slap occurs to my intelligence. This should concern everyone reading this, as I’m a known idiot). Then we follow that up with the classic “we hope the ride refusal is isolated”. Uh, OK. First, this non-matter is still under investigation (I assume by trained monkeys working around the clock). Second, the reporter should’ve shared the last paragraph with the enraged throng, maybe this could’ve been settled. Complaints against the FIVE Madison Taxi companies are “incredibly rare” (TWO in the last DECADE). Uh, Mr. Boyle, would “incredibly rare” be satisfactory? We can’t find the word “isolated” in our reports. Then as a final insult: They deride Cab Companies for not caring who they bring in and out of neighborhoods. The same people that tell the Cab Companies they MUST take everyone in and out, now derides them for doing so? And why were residents concerned about “a Badger Cab cruising the neighborhood”? Ominously written, well done. The next time I see an empty cab I’m diving into the bushes. This is GREAT stuff…you guys have The Onion running for cover! Next Week: Donut Shops Really Front For Free Euthanasia Clinics A Dane County Supervisor volunteered to be the first… JOB INTERVIEWS BLOW CHUNKS Here is a wonderful test of “honesty is the best policy”. A strategic game of Chess, when to edit truth, when truth kills and when to lie. Both sides play the part of hypocrite… Employed Idiot (II): Why do you wish to leave your current position? Unemployed Idiot (UI): By request. II: How many times have you missed work in the last year? IU: Zero II: Late” IU: Zero II: What are some of the things you do to put people at ease? Maybe when someone hesitates to approach you. IU: I find it puts co-workers at ease when I reinforce their instincts to avoid approaching me. II: Tell me about a time a subordinate came to you with a problem that involved you? IU: That wouldn’t appear to be in my best interest, but OK. Well, I’d been seeing this girl for a couple months and it appears as though she felt my performance in bed was sub-par. We discussed how to solve this problem and focused on her orgasms. II: Tell me about a time you made a suggestion to your supervisor and its outcome? IU: I suggested a co-worker discontinue discussing their involvement in butt-fucking on the sales floor…I was fired. II: Any recommendations and how did these turn out? IU: I recommended we not fly 5000 managers to Las Vegas when we were in a cash crunch, also recommended cutting back on merchandising hours so we could keep some customer service hours available…passed over for promotion. II: Have you ever changed careers and do you have a career plan? IU: Yeah, I’ve changed careers, usually based on recommendations of present employers. My plan is to pay bills. II: Have you ever been in a situation where you understood how something was to be done, but the process didn’t make sense? What did you do about it? IU: The very nature of employment assures one that they’ll encounter processes that make no sense. I simply achieve the goal and don’t tell them how. II: Why not tell? IU: This exposes corporate stupidity and usually persons involved in this stupidity have suggested I locate a new career…one of the reasons I’m here. II: Did you encounter unproductive situations in your last position and what did you do? IU: Gleaning knowledge from previous positions and the recurring suggestions I leave, I applied the ignorance is bliss policy. II: Tell me a change you didn’t necessarily agree with? IU: My leaving. II: Tell me about how you’d go about better informing your direct peers? IU: Keeping them better informed has been indirectly proportional to my success. II: What percent of what you know do you pass on to your peers? IU: I share knowledge on a “need to save my ass” basis only. II: Tell me about the most difficult customer you had to deal with and the outcome? IU: This crack head kept calling a 16-year-old customer service person a cunt. I was able to get him to call me a white motherfucker and ask him to remove his ass from the store. With the help of 6 co-workers we were able to achieve my goal of ass removal. II: Have you ever had to negotiate with people you didn’t like or trust? IU: You’re from Earth right? II Describe a time you were able to “read” a person and react appropriately. IU: I just assume everyone’s a part of the collective stupor and treat everybody equally. II: Tell me about a time when you took a risk? IU: I bought a piece of land to build a carwash, it turned out to be contaminated and ended up embroiled in six years of litigation and 50 grand in legal fees and I was basically fucked. II: Tell me about an impossible situation you had to deal with? IU: I’m doing it right now. II: Have you ever stolen anything? IU: Hmm, have you? II: Of course not. IU: Really? I put it to you that you are at this moment stealing oxygen from a more deserving life form. II: Tell me about a time when you had to deal with someone that made you angry. IU: I suppose the “whitemotherfucker” story would work here. II: Tell me about a time when you made peace with an adversary. IU: I find its best to keep adversary’s in the dark about being adversary’s and then get them fired. II: Tell me one of the most innovative ideas you’ve had and its outcome. IU: I suggested the company stop taking pictures of clients. They did this, saving approximately 2 million a year. I got a thank you note from the CFO and they promoted the woman running the underperforming store, that was on probation based on the logic that she had proven she couldn’t run a store so we better see how she does as the district manager. II: Tell me about a time when you lost a customer. IU: The guy we threw out never came back. II: Tell me about a time you were instrumental in satisfying a customers expectations. IU: She was fidgety and quite open about her goals. So, we adjourned to her car and focused on her orgasms. I can only assume from her return visits she was satisfied. II: Tell me a time when you just didn’t know what to do? IU: On a daily basis I look in the mirror and wonder why I’m going to work? If I should? And the thing that keeps me going is society’s desire that we all run this maze and pay our bills and perpetuate this inane bullshit for our children to enjoy…even though the correct answer is to say fuck it and see what might make you happy in this world. II: Tell me about a time when you delegated a project to a subordinate and the outcome? IU: I only delegated projects when I couldn’t figure out how to do them quickly and efficiently. When this occurred I usually handed these projects to pain in the ass co-workers, so that their failure would reflect on them and not me. II: Tell about a time you had to use “tough love”? IU: I hate catch phrases and would not implement tough love or call it that. How the hell would you feel if you implemented tough love on your child that you thought drank too much, or wasn’t following the path you thought they should follow and then because of tough love they killed themselves? Would you then wander around mumbling, “well we did our best?” II: Have you ever had to fire someone? IU: Can I buy a vowel? II: Have you ever had to turn around a problem performer? IU: I struggle with that daily. II: Tell me about a time you used humor to diffuse a tense situation. IU: Received a call from superior informing me that we would now be carrying several thousand dollars in cash on a daily basis, turning us into a bank, without security or bullet-proof glass or cameras or…well, basically it showed what I suspect true of most corporations that they don’t give a rats ass about their employees. So I asked what security precautions would be taken and was told “we don’t want to disturb the look of the stores” and I asked, “if they’d find blood spattered on the walls disturbing”. I thought this was funny… II: Have you ever started something from nothing? IU: The contaminated carwash debacle resulting in my ruin and need to take corporate jobs… II: Tell me about a time you were asked to do something against your beliefs? IU: Daily occurrence. But giving out 600% loans, err advances to people already in the financial gray area was especially repulsive and brought on a major depression that only lasted all 8 months I was there and lingers to this day…but there were bills to be paid and my last employer went bankrupt, so I did it. II: Tell me about a time you had to break someone’s confidence? IU: Anyone that takes me into their confidence that is not a lover or friend and lover is a fool and deserves what they get. On the plus side this seemingly evil aspect will come in handy in the future when dealing with others… II: Tell me about a time when your integrity was questioned. IU: No, way too painful. I’d rather stop the interview and have you jam your hand up my ass. II: What types of things are you trying to avoid in your next job? IU: Stupidity, useless work, exercising futility, striving for mediocrity…death, sometimes…sometime not. II: Give me an example of a job responsibility you really dislike? IU: Collections. I mean we gave the suckers the 600% loan based on a check we knew wasn’t any good and the fact that we had to call them advances so we could skirt the banking laws otherwise what we were doing was illegal. And then I’m supposed to go and feign indignant surprise when they can’t pay…I was told to accost a gentlemen in the parking lot of his work as he was leaving…I mean, really, what the fuck? II: It’s often necessary to use common sense with dealing with complex issues. When have you done so? IU: Common sense is an oxymoron and no longer exists, therefore applying it to situations in the corporate world usually result in being released to explore other job opportunities. II: Tell me about a time you operated outside normal operating guidelines and the result? IU: I was in charge of underperforming store turn arounds. I disregarded stupid rules that were set up for the lard asses that ran the easy stores and kicked ass. Results were higher grosses, less theft, happier employees (or they were fired) all the good things the goose-stepping corporations orgasm over. A lot like Patton in WW II, except my accomplishments were less, I didn’t kill anyone and my ego’s bigger. II: In what situations do you learn best? IU: When there’s something to be learned. II: Tell me about a time when you caught on to something no one else had? IU: First grade teacher asked why the oceans waters had salt in them? I said it was from the minerals washed into the sea by the waves crashing against the shore…pulled that one from my ass. II: How do you plan your day? IU: I’m not delusional. I now keep a very tenuous grasp on reality and consider all plans fluid until completed. II: Describe a time on your life when you were proud of your ability to postpone your comments or conclusions until you had all the facts? IU: That’s a daily battle. I mean life is a constant stream of unwanted input. Like you sitting in front of me, droning on, with questions you could clearly care less about; pretending to care about me and my answers you don’t understand…I could stand up and say…Are you fucking kidding me? But I don’t because socio-economic pressures force me to sit here and fumble for answers to your silly questions, while I’m really only concerned with what that beautiful girl over there tastes like and how to solve global racial tensions… II: Tell me about a time you were presented with a problem that was unimportant to you? IU: Most problems are unimportant. I mean who really gives a shit if your movie isn’t rewound? Push rewind, make some popcorn and plop your fat-ass down. You just expended more energy calling and hollering at me than you would have fixing the problem; and if you’re too stupid to know how to hit rewind than my question to you is how does your brain support life? II: Tell me about a time when you got results when others failed. IU: I found achieving corporate goals were most easily achieved when you used the corporate policy and procedure manual as a tiki torch. II: Describe the type of person you are least comfortable. IU: Describe yourself. II: Tell me about a time you took responsibility for the failure of a project? IU: If you don’t possess a talent for passing the buck you’re fucked. II: What attributes define your perfect boss. IU: Non-existant. II: Have you dealt with difficult situations recently? IU: It involves paper, a pen, an idiot and it’s occurring now. II: Tell me about a time you placed someone else’s needs above your own? IU: The people that send me bills must be pleased that I choose to keep taking shitty jobs so I can pay their bills; even though I’d find it more enjoyable to be enjoying an asbestos burger and an ice-cold glass of bleach. II: What have been the most difficult criticisms for you to accept? IU: Anytime some poor deluded soul has had the misfortune of thinking they were right when disagreeing with me and it resulted in being asked to leave…again. II: Where do you see yourself in five years? IU: Over in that corner with a gun in my mouth… LIVE AND LET LIVE The world continues to pass, all the news fit not to print hits our steps everyday. It’s a little disturbing, the media that is. But, that’s not what’s on my mind. Religion, what is it good for? That’s not flip, it’s serious. What news does get reported isn’t good. It’s quite possible that the war on terrorism is fatally flawed. We have allies today, that may evaporate tomorrow. We’re allied in politics, but not religion. Those worshipping Allah may require the deaths of all those not worshipping Allah. This would cause a major rift in our allegiances. We really should ask our allies to come clean, in turn we might want to do the same. “Uh, this is a little awkward, but we appreciate you kind of helping us, or at least not hindering us too badly in our battle against these terrorism cells. But, deep down, do you really want us all dead?” It’s a tough question, but hell, we’re kicking ass all over the world. It might be nice to know our enemies. And ya’ know, I wouldn’t be mad if they said that we all had to die. It’s a major philosophical difference, agreed. But why spend lives on wiping out the cells only to find out the major war is yet to be fought. And it’s with the same people? This entire problem shouldn’t surprise us. It exists right in our own backyard. Racism, to a degree is really the Havenots versus the Haves. The Havenots are conversely angered at what they perceive to be the happiness of the Haves. This is exactly what’s happening in the Middle East. First off, we ignore them most of the time. The only time they get any press over here is if we’re bombing them. That would chap my ass. And of course we’re perceived as this big bad people that won’t share all the toys and worse yet, we exploit them to power all our toys. Both governments and their media’s play there masses like fiddles. We get the evil Middle East and they get the Evil US. Both side are partially right, but even this massive schism could be bridged. What cannot be bridged is a fundamental belief that we must die. If that’s the case, the best we could hope for is an uneasy truce. Not really the way I envisioned the world, but hey…the other option is World War III. I’m not a big fan of that option. Let’s have a look at the governments…All of them are run by rich powerful men and a few women. Their people read and believe their respective media’s which are controlled by these men (for those of you about to give me a self-righteous enema on America’s Freedom of Speech, hang in there, there’s some more crap coming. In other words, it gets worse). So both sides believe they’re right. Based on half-truths and omissions and lies. Hey, we fight for oil. They need us to fight for that oil or their already crummy economies collapse. Now the men in power get most of the money and the masses live in relative squalor (Top 1% of American’s control over 40% of assets, that’s relative squalor). The lives on the line are from the masses. That’s the way it’s always been. But this war may be worse than all that have gone before. Weapons are worse, people believing that in killing us and themselves they’re going to heaven. Not good. It’s been common knowledge that someone willing to give up their own life in battle makes the best assassin. Imagine an Army of the best assassins, as the rest of the world’s army’s rush from point to point trying to find someone to fight? But they’re dead and so is everybody else. At some point, it would become evident that the only way to win this war is that one side must go…completely. Genocide on an exponential scale. Hitler, Stalin…yes, those people, their ideology brought to bear on hundreds of millions…maybe billions. Somewhere there has to be a different solution. If this all seems a bit unfocused, it is. There are so many aspects entwined here. War, politics, religion, media, oil, corporations, death, money…one can’t be discussed without the other. I mean, wholly shit, on the front page of a Madison paper is a story of how the governor didn’t have to wait in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles to get his son a license. They actually interviewed irate people…on the front page. We have a war, crises across the world, Milosovic on trial, farmers going bankrupt, Enron. It boggles the mind. How could this be front-page news? Anyday? Unfortunately, it’s simple. What was once not only unthinkable, but frowned upon has been renamed and lives the good life as synergy. Synergy was once known as Monopoly, but that term died a horrid death as the masses struck down these giants. But now, like the mythic Phoenix, they are reborn. Bigger, stronger. Apple pie Disney is the perfect example. Disney owns: Movie Studios, ABC Television & Radio, Disney TV, ESPN, Magazines, Newspapers, etc. I’m not picking on them. Viacom, Time-Warner, News Corp., Sony all have the same synergies. All are controlled by the top one- percent that control the government. All have taken advantage of President Clinton’s telecommunication reform act of 1996 to consolidate their power. The problem is that synergy’s not perceived as a problem. Orwell was right, we’re mired in it, but IT is common, so IT goes unnoticed…like that forest and all those trees. It’s so easy to edit our news we have become the laughing stock. But only one percent gets to laugh. Actually, that’s an over statement…but hey, it works. 2.5 million Americans control 42% of the Nation’s wealth. That leaves 247.5 million with the 58% remaining. These are the people deciding what goes in the papers, what we read, who we vote for…basically telling us how to think. Not good. America loves individuals, yet fosters one mass society. Individuals are frowned upon until they reach such a level that they can’t be ignored. Shit, who lent me this soap box? I don’t want it. It’s funny, really, it is… Common Sense Guide to World Domination 3 PostsNo posts found in this category.
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